At this point, I have traveled across seven countries and two continents. I’ve taken trains, planes and automobiles. I’ve been caught on the wrong side of police barricades during riots. I’ve gotten lost, turned around, and set back by hours or days. I’ve gone down empty alleyways in strange cities and up dark gravel paths in strange countrysides. And I did it completely alone.
So here are my top ten tips for girls who must walk home alone at night.
1. Have some sort of ranged weapon, with a melee weapon as backup. The ranged weapon should ideally be mace or pepper spray, but a distance taser is also good. It’s illegal in a lot of European countries to carry stuff like that, but I simply do not care. It’s better to be in jail in a foreign country than dead anywhere. The melee weapon can be a pocketknife or a regular taser, but those are hard to get through customs if you travel light (for instance, with no checked bags). A stick off the ground will work in a pinch, or a brick.
2. Set your phone on battery saving mode the moment you wake up. You don’t notice how much your battery has drained until you’re across a city from your hotel and you’re on seven percent.
3. Growl and mumble. You want people around you to think that you are cuckoo bananas. If anybody comes toward you and you don’t like the look of them, swallow your pride and talk to yourself like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Extra points for contorting your body to seem more gremlin-like.
3.5. I like to mutter some sort of repeating phrase slightly above a whisper to myself when I have to go down dark alleys. But no songs! Singing a song to yourself is normal person behavior. You are trying to seem like an asylum escapee. Try memorizing a couple chapters from the book of Revelation and just repeat that to yourself.
4. Wear one bright color, such as a yellow scarf, and no more. Enough to be identifiable on CCTV but not to stand out.
5. I think we all know that Uber trick of pretending to take a call so it seems that someone would immediately notice if something happened to you, but that doesn’t fly in a non-English speaking country. All you are doing is highlighting yourself as a foreigner.
6. If you have Bluetooth earbuds, here’s how to use them: have one in, connected to your phone in your pocket. download a map app and set it to give audible instructions. This lets the app tell you where to go without having to constantly look down at your phone, and you still have an ear open to your surroundings.
7. Honkin’ big boots. I’m talking combat black, lace up, kickin’ boots.
8. Set an expression on your face that would make a small child cry. A grimace, a snarl, too-wide eyes, a pinched up forehead — anything like that. Flaring your nostrils is good, if you can keep it up. Try to indicate anger and a capacity for violence.
9. You can always bite!
10. And lastly, remember that the vast majority of the people you see on the street are normal individuals with their own lives and problems, and probably aren’t giving you a second glance. It’s good to be prepared for the worst, but feel free to expect much better.
Bises,
Allison
P.S.: I will say it one more time, so that it sticks: It is better to be in jail in a foreign country than dead anywhere.
Flan in France 