You don’t realize how crucial manners are to you and your interactions with the world until you have to learn new ones.
In American popular imagination, France is sometimes thought of as the height of sophistication and refinery. Usually, that means strict codes of politeness and gentility. That part’s mostly true. The problem is that these codes don’t make any sense.
Many say that the French are rude and not nice, and that social pressure is strong here. People also say that Americans are more easy going and forgiving. Like, French people say this. And I’m apt to agree. It’s difficult to explain; Americans presume that you might need help somehow, and look for ways to give it. The French don’t. But, the French put a really high value on politeness. Compare the two scenarios:
AMERICAN CUSTOMER: Sorry, do you carry scented candles?
AMERICAN SHOPKEEPER: Yeah no worries! They’re right this way, follow me.
Versus:
AMERICAN CUSTOMER: Sorry, do you carry scented candles?
FRENCH SHOPKEEPER: [Looks at you, annoyed, then ignores you]
AC: Oh, right. Um, good morning.
FS: Good morning. Tell me.
AC: Do you carry scented candles?
FS: Yes.
AC: Uh.
FS: [stares]
AC: Where are they?
FS: Second floor, next to the parapharmacie, close to the windows.
Do you see the difference? The American interaction presumes that if you are asking about something, you need help in a broader way, and the polite thing, the polite American thing, is to assume that you need to help the other person every step of the way. The polite French thing is to greet and introduce yourself, and then ask specific questions regarding your needs. A polite French person presumes that you only need what you are asking; there is no implied request under the words.
In the States, you can mention that you are chilly and someone offers you a coat. In France, you mention you are chilly and someone says, “Yes, it is cold today.” In the States, when waiting outside a changing room, you compliment strangers on the clothes they are trying. In France, it is too personal to ask after the health of a acquaintance’s sick mother.
The French don’t cook extra food for guests to take home, but they do expect you to have strong table manners. They don’t want to help you in a store, but they do expect you to say hello and goodbye to the employees of the store. They have accessible public transit, but they won’t help someone in a wheelchair get unstuck from a dip in the ground.
I think it’s a trade-off. Americans are kinder to each other, but we also die earlier and typically in debt. The French just don’t. So maybe we compensate for how rough life in the States can be by being nice, and the French don’t feel like they need to because life is already pretty good.
That’s just a pet theory, though, don’t take it as gospel. But before you visit France, make sure you know which fork is which.
Cordialement,
Allison
Flan in France 