Flipping through brochures

Alright, y’all are gonna love this one.

I asked my parents to mail me some brochures — you know, those ones from the wooden stands in Hiltons and Double Trees. And they delivered. I got a huge manila envelope with brochures, foldouts, and two booklets. I brought these to my students, asked them to peruse them, and told them to write about what they would want to do if they could visit the land of my birth. Here are some excerpts from what they wrote.

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If I could, I would go to the Speed Park Nascar in Sevierville because I love the adrenaline. I would really like to do a helicopter tour above the Smokies to see them from another perspective. 

If I were to visit Tennessee, I would go skydiving in Greenville because I would really like to fly.

I would really like to visit the flower and food festival because I love estheticly pleasing things that I could look at. 

I would like to visit the chocolate fest in Jonesborough because I have a strong sweet tooth.

If I could go to visit Tennessee I would like to go to eat a burger of Mainstreet café because even if originally it is Dutch it’s a cliché of America and I would like to try the traditional lunch in the street with everyone.

I would like to visit caverns because it’s part of history and I find it very interesting. I would like to extend my cultural knowledge there.

If I cold go to Tennessee I would like to visit the Rock City because as it was build on a huge cave I could be close to the nature. I want to search for gemstones and perform scavenger hunts.

I were to visit Tennessee I would like to go to the haunt house because I really like it and I like to be scared. I also would like to do an helicopter tours for the amazing sensations and finally I would like to go skydiving fit even more amazing sensations.

The restaurant I would like to test is Farm to table dinner because it is very cultural. It is not restaurant but an event but I would still like to do it. I find the concept funny.

If I could visit Tennessee I would visit the forest of Rock City Gardens, Chattanooga because this town is famous for being built on top of a huge cave and the fairies live there I think. Or you can pretend to be a fairy there? I want to find out.

I would like to go to Crave Golf Club because it the brochure says it is the #1 mini golf in the Unites States and I love mini golf. I would like to go to gray fossil site because it looks good as it has a lot of animals. (Allison’s note: I explained to the student that the animals are dead; she said that is fine.)

I would like to have a picnic at the Anakeesta tower there because it looks like there’s a really good view.

I could go to the Gray Fossil site, I used to be very interested in those kinds of ancient animals I have never heard of, and it’s interesting to see the fossils found in Tennessee.

I would like to take an «Old time photo» because I could use it to decorate at home because it would be such a fun memory.

I would like to go to the Dolly Parton Dinner Stampede, because hello?? It’s Dolly Parton! And the vibe looks good, it seems very festive. The food looks good as well. I just saw the Dollywood brochure as well, I have to go there!

I would like to go there, Scary Gatlinburg Haunted House, because I like when I feel my heart drop and then realize it is only fake.

I would like to play mini golf because it’s so fun. I am big winner I hate to lose and I would love to punch some kids with a golf club.

If I go to the Tennessee I would like go to swim at Wetlands Water Park, and to take breakfast at the Eureka Inn. I will go to Jonesbourg Repertory Theatre for watching a visual art and go to the Storytelling Festival for hearing stories.

I would like to go to Dollywood Park because this place is meant for me, I want to scream!!! and have sensation and plus it seems to be a place for drama queen like me.

I could go to the White Lightning Trail since the landscape is beautiful. I want to hear the country music! I would love to eat at a real American diner since I love the vibe and hamburgers. 

I would love to go to the “Smoky Mountain Christmas” because I love Christmas and all decorations, songs, films, shows that are about it!

I would like to go to “Dollywood” because I really like high-adrenaline activities and it seems really beautiful in the middle of trees.

Also I really want to go to Burritos and More because I really like Mexican and spicy food.

I would like to take an old time picture because I like to be in a certain sens in the mood of the past!

I would like to visit the Bristol cavern cause it look like an adventure, like I am an exploratrice. (Allison’s note: French is a highly gendered language. Nearly every descriptor is gendered to the person or object to which it refers. For instance, think of the difference between “actor” and “actress,” then apply it to things like “teacher” or “lawyer” or “student.” This girl gendered herself female by putting “trice” at the end of the word, because she instinctively genders her descriptors.) 

I want to go to Gigi’s Bakery and eat Gigi’s muffins, and also I want to try horseback riding in the mountains because it is my hobby already and I have a horse. And I want to visit the ghost tours of Gatlinburg because I like to scare myself!

I could certainly eat at the “Fabulous Four-Course Holiday Feast” because indeed it looks delicious and I love eating!

I would like to take old time pictures so that I could troll my future kids by saying I lived in the 19th century! I want to try the trails so I can bike and hike, like the Great River Road Trail and Tweetsie Trail.

I want to take old time photos because I love westerns and Gone with the Wind (film). I would visit the horse, but don’t ride them because it’s scary. I want to eat at the Corner Cup and Main Street Cafe (Mme Flanary says I get coffee at Corner Cup). 

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The students were fascinated by a few things; one, the helicopter rides, especially after I explained how high the disaster and casualty rates are with those things. A boy asked why they are still open, and the girl next to him said, “It is Amerique, bien sûr. No laws.”

Two, the array of Christian-themed events and performances. One of the brochures had a huge foldout picture from a Nativity performance, and the kids were stunned to learn that it wasn’t associated with a church. I had to stop myself from explaining Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day.

The last thing that fascinated them was the Civil War reenactment stuff. France doesn’t “do” war reenactment, so the concept to start with is foreign. And then explaining how when you go to these shows, you get to choose a side to sit on (North or South), eat a “traditional” Southern meal, and watch a comedy about a war which they know solely as the war about slavery… well, it didn’t make much sense to them. Consider this conversation:

“Madame, what does this “Christian-based” mean?”

“It means that all of the humor is clean.”

“But it is about the Civil War. That’s the one with slaves. Lincoln? The slaves? Yes?”

“Yep.”

“Do they make jokes on the slavery?”

“I’ve never been.”

“But there are no black people in the pictures.”

“Correct.”

“Then what is the show about? Do they dress up the white people as slaves?”

“Have you seen the brochure for Dollywood?”

“Is that Dolly Parton? She has a Disneyland?!”

I have never been to Civil War Theatre they found in the brochures, so I told them about my one and only visit to Dolly’s Stampede back when it had Dixie in the title. I explained that I went as a kid when I was a Girl Scout (“Madame, what is girl scout?”) and that everybody got a blue or a gray flag and that it would change each night who won (Madame, does that mean the slave owners win half the time?”). 

But take heart, friends. These kids may now assume that we enjoy Christian-themed enslaved bloodsport like the kaisers of old, but they will never — and I mean never — find out about the Hatfield and McCoy Dinner Feud.

Over my cold, dead body.

Cordialement,

Allison